The father of the groom’s speech

Well its all over now. Our son Toby got married at Alnwick Gardens in Northumberland at the weekend to his long standing girlfriend, Fiona and they are now off to Mexico for their honeymoon. We all had an amazing day, everything worked out fine including the suit hireand the weather.

For the record here is my speech as I intended to deliver it. I got most of the words in the right order on the day.

Don’t worry, I will make this speech like I like my ladies: Short and Sweet, and it is good to see Toby keeping up the tradition.

Thanks everyone for coming up here to Alnwick. Note that it is a silent ‘L’ and ‘W’ unlike Alnmouth and the river Aln. Up here in the north we tend not to have back gardens, just a back yard. So [points outside at the magnificent Alnwick Gardens and fountains] welcome to our backyard.

Toby was actually born in Southend-On-Sea. When he was little we used to dress him up and take pictures of him. Well he certainly got his revenge on us today.

We then moved to Peterborough where he grew up and met his two best men. Then we sent him off to Derby University where he met his true love, Fiona.

The first time we went through to meet Fiona was at the Wetherspoons in Derby because Toby had some vouchers. [and mentioned in all the previous speeches] As we walked in with him he pointed across the bar and said “I think that is her, but she has a twin and I am really not sure”. So he phoned her mobile to see which one answered before introducing us. You are sure you have married the right one today?

On behalf of the parents and grandparents we would like to say how proud we are of them today.

Voni, my wife, and I have had twenty years of happy marriage. Mind you we’ve been married for 28 years. Our secret is not to argue. The only thing we ever argue about now is money …[pause]… and sex. But I still think she is charging me too much.

On that unsavoury note can we all be upstanding and raise a toast to the bride and groom, Fiona and Toby.

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